My old pal Barry went off the grid years ago.
He fixed up an old cabin outside of town, hooked up some solar panels, dug a well and denounced electronic devices. Even though he kept his outhouse immaculately clean, visiting him was never a barrel of laughs, though he did put on a good puppet show.
Because he wasn’t online, constantly posting embarrassing pictures of me as a baby on Facebook for all my friends to see (stop that, Mom!), months went by without hearing from him. So I headed to his place one night to catch up.
At his cabin, I paused at his visitor-announcement device. Instead of a doorbell, like any normal human being used, a heavy iron horseshoe hung on the door. Obviously he expected me to strike the door with it...how barbaric!
Summoning up my Australopithic best, I banged and received no answer. “Barry?” I yelled, fearing that my isolated friend had become feral. “Are you here...and still standing upright?”
“Up here, Ace,” he said from his roof. He motioned for me to go around back, where I expected the elevator to be. But Barry only had a ladder to reach the roof. Somehow I managed to climb it, finding Barry staring at the stars while holding a baseball bat.
“Doing a little stargazing?” I asked. “You know, I have this app on my smartphone that shows you the constellations. I look at it while sitting on my couch.”
“Actually, Ace, I’m meteor hunting. That’s why I have this,” he said, waving his Louisville Slugger.
“I don’t follow.”
“There’s a giant meteor—apparently the size of a city block—hurtling close to Earth right now, and sometimes bits of the meteor break off. If that happens, and one rips through the atmosphere and aims for my home, I’m knocking it back into space.”
“Barry, we used to be on the baseball team together, so we both know you couldn’t hit a beach ball with a broom.”
“I know,” he said. “The odds of me deflecting a meteor are, well, astronomical, but I have to try. I don’t think my homeowner’s insurance would cover any damages from a meteor attack.”
“You have homeowner’s insurance? I thought you were off the grid?”
“I’m off the grid, Ace, not off my rocker. I know how important insurance is, especially when it covers these expensive solar panels.”
“Barry,” I said, “you can put the bat down. You and your possessions are not going to...meteor maker.”
