Why do we avoid conflict?

That’s the question I posed to a group of sharp thinkers while facilitating a leadership workshop in New Mexico.

They answered: “To look good” “To feel better about myself.” “To be the nice guy.” But we all realized none of these things help us feel better or help us create synergistic relationships. In fact, avoiding problems often makes them worse.

One person in the group said the old-school approach was to avoid issues until they demanded attention. I recalled a bank CEO I worked with years ago who told me 50% of his problems would go away if he just ignored them. But how did he know which ones were actually worth addressing? As fate would have it, the FDIC took over the bank a few short years after my engagement with them ended.

As an organization known for our ability to resolve clients’ tough issues, we inevitably end up facing conflict on a regular basis. We work with a lot of people who have pushed conflict aside for so long that they expect us to ride in on white horses and wield the mighty sword of quicksilver justice. Instead, teams should be willing to face the status-quo issues, then identify those they should challenge in a way that clears them up for good.

In one of my first client engagements many years ago, I came up with a formula that has helped executives deal with staff tension tremendously. I have found this three-step formula to be effective when resolving conflict with staff, clients, vendors and even at home. Here are three steps to consider when resolving conflict in your workplace:

1) Recognition. Can everyone involved recognize their role in the problem? Each person should consider: In what ways do you contribute to the problem? In what ways do you impede on finding a solution? Would you be willing to come forward and tell the other party what you recognize, and apologize for your role in the conflict?

2) Accountability. This might involve saying something like, “I realize that I’m responsible for cleaning the dishes out of the breakroom sink on Tuesdays, and I admit that sometimes I conveniently ‘forget’ to do it. I see now how that may upset the rest of the team, and I apologize.”

3) Commitment. Each person should ask themselves, “What I am I willing to do differently in order to overcome this challenge and make it right? What is the best way to approach those involved and express my commitment?”

Make sure you use all three steps, and in that order. Recognition is the first step to recovery, but that doesn’t mean it will evoke action. Likewise, if you just say you recognize the issue without articulating how you will do things differently moving forward, those to whom you are accountable may not believe you. And when you share commitment without acknowledging others’ feelings, you may come across as insensitive to the frustration others feel. If you want people to get over it or move on, they first need to forgive.

The truth is, we all have things we can work on in order to create better working relationships. It’s simple, but it has to start with owners and leaders, and it has to be genuine.

Brandie Hinen is CEO of Powerhouse Learning, a coaching and training organization that helps organizations gain better results by overcoming conflict and difficult challenges.