The Case of the Card Shark

Her name was Nell, a constable’s daughter from Canada, and I was determined to make her my valentine. I had already purchased a dozen red roses, a box of dark chocolates and a little lacey something at the unmentionables counter at Macy’s. All I needed was the clincher, a romantic card .

I walked into the Hallmark store and began browsing the collection. Just as I picked up an adorable card with two puppies riding in a red wagon, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“My friend, you don’t want to do that.”

I turned to look at “my friend,” who turned out to be a short man in a grey silk suit. “And why is that?”

“Because the secret to a woman’s heart is a gift card.” He reached into his suit pocket and pulled a solid gold-painted piece of plastic with the word “Gift” written across it. As he held it before me, he actually made the sound, “Ta-da.”

“Did you just say, ‘ta-da?’”

“Yes. I thought it would make the moment more special.”

“It only made the moment more awkward,” I answered. “Why a gift card?”

He looked to his left and then right, as if hiding from KGB agents.

“Gift cards are becoming increasingly popular. In fact, according to the latest estimates, approximately $25 billion was spent on gift cards last Christmas season, up from $18.5 billion for Christmas 2005.”

“You just pull those statistics out of your ascot?”

He straightened up, checking his tie. “No sir. My ascot is still tied perfectly, thank you very much.”

“Listen pal,” I said, a bit too loudly for the quiet store, causing the bespectacled woman behind the counter to turn to us with a librarian-istic hush-please look on her face.

“I know romance, and romance is not a gift card! Women want flowers! They want chocolates!”

He didn’t answer me. Instead he slowly pulled out his wallet and flipped it open to a picture of what I presumed to be his girlfriend—his blonde, model-esque girlfriend.

“So a gift card, eh?” I said, letting my mind open to the possibility.

“It’s very romantic—she can buy your flowers, your chocolates. Or she can get that tattoo removed like she really wants. They’re the perfect gift—the only problem is the insurance. I’m not sure if there’s any coverage under the homeowners policy if a gift card is lost or stolen…”

“Buddy,” I said, “love will make you lose your mind, but I hope you never lose that card.”

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Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.