The Case of the Discontent Discounter

What people don’t know about me is that I have a keen fashion sense. I always dress to impress; unfortunately my impressionable duds are often hidden beneath my trademarked trench coat. I’ve startled many women by flinging open my trench to show them the Calvin Klein ensemble underneath, only to have them misjudge my intentions, shield their eyes and scream for police.

What people do know about me is my penchant for penny pinching. I’m so cheap, I won’t even tip my hat. So to get my fashion fix, I’m forced to shop at Garbage Boutique, a second-hand shop where I dig through cardboard boxes filled with old Disney t-shirts and oil stained jean-shorts to find a Prada in the rough.

One Monday, the store was packed with day-laborers and minimum-wage moms. I dove straight into a box of collared shirts with my eyes closed, letting my fingers wander past the polyester blends in search of tailored silk.

I struck gold in 60 seconds, pulling out a wrinkled Michael Kors button-up that I anxiously examined, searching for a ketchup stain or missing button. But the shirt was unsoiled and planned to stay that way. Next I checked the price tag.

“Two dollars,” I yelled, a little louder than intended.

“Do you need some help, sir,” said a name-tagged woman.

“No, Celia,” I said, reading the tag. “I just found the bargain of the century!”

“Uh-huh,” she murmured in the same way my dentist does when I tell him that I floss every day. “Let me warn you: some deals are too good to be true. Just like the deal I got on my car insurance.”

“Tell me more.”

“I’m guessing that,” she began, scrunching her nose as if last night’s garlic hummus repeated on her. “Knight’s Insurance needs no introduction.”

They did not; their ear-splitting jingle played 170 times a day on the TV and radio: “You can save a lot with Sir Save-a-lot.”

“So you didn’t save a lot?”

“I saved a lot, and then lost a lot,” she said, biting her pierced lip. “My Knight-insured car was stolen and destroyed. The adjuster denied the claim because my keys were in the car and there was no sign of forced entry. If insurance doesn’t cover something like a car theft, then what does it cover?”

I lifted my prized shirt to my chest and said, “You should know what’s covered before you buy.”

What did Ace have against bargains?

For help solving this mystery and to check your solution against Ace’s, click here.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.