The Case of the Double Deductible

Being an insurance investigator is rewarding in many ways—intellectually, professionally—but not financially. That’s why I line up like a lemming at the cliff’s edge every year the big box store has its annual BOGO sale.

Don’t get your hopes up. BOGO stands for “buy one, get one,” not “beer or gin on-tap.” I use this sale to stock up on all the critical items a man needs to survive: beef jerky, combat boots and extra-strength hair gel.

As I was perusing the hair gel aisle, weighing which chemical-based petroleum byproduct could adequately tame my three conflicting cowlicks, I suddenly began seeing double. A young lady—one at first, then her spitting image—stood before me, blocking the gelatinous follicle fusers. Moving to the eye-care section, I popped a box of saline solution, gave my peepers a proper squirt, and gazed again.

And there they still stood—two girls so identically perfect they had to be Xeroxed, with red spiraling hair, matching outfits and expressionless mouths that looked capable of consuming a man’s soul whole. It’s safe to say that twins scare me a little.

Trying to conquer my fear, I turned to the first one and said with a shaky smile, “Miss, I’m worried that you might be the victim of identity theft.”

“Ha, ha…”

“…ha.” One started, finished by the other. It was the sound of fake laughter—a sound I’ve heard so many times, I can no longer recall what real laughter sounds like.

“Let me guess,” I said, “your names rhyme.”

“Not at all. I’m Ella, she’s Emma, but that’s not what father wanted.”

“Nope,” said Emma. “He wanted to name her ‘Planned’ and me ‘Surprise.’”

“Sounds like your father is funny man.”

“Typically,” said Ella, “but today he’s not laughing—all because of insurance.”

“Spill it.”

“So,” began Emma, “father enjoys things that come in pairs—including us, our two rotties and his two cars. The cars are covered by a 2005 ISO PAP Part D physical damage. A hail storm damaged both vehicles simultaneously, and now he’s working on a pair of aneurysms trying to figure out if one deductible applies, like it does when an insured’s two owned vehicles are damaged in the same collision.”

“Ladies,” I said, “unfortunately, insurance policies don’t have BOGO sales.”

How would Ace single out the double trouble?

Jonathan Hermann is an IA contributing editor.