The Case of the Colliding Cart

I stepped outside my house to discover a bright, sun-blinding day completely devoid of wind. Clouds were stuck in the sky as if blu-tacked to the firmament, helium balloons stood as rigid as British Royal Guards and birds fell to the pavement with a feathery bounce every time they tried to glide. The stifled air certainly put a damper on my day. I had planned to enjoy a morning of sailing lessons, an afternoon at the kite festival and an evening at an outdoor café watching ladies struggle to keep their skirts from flying up (hey, it ain’t easy being a lonely insurance man), but now I had more time on my hands than a ticket taker at an M. Night Shyamalan film.

I headed to the Shop-n-Save to pick up some ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Typically nothing of note happens at a Shop-n-Save, with the exception of the two verbs in the store’s name, but as soon as I stepped out of my car, I heard a woman making a commotion. With Boy Scout bravado and a Girl Scout running style, I quickly approached the woman: a leggy redhead who looked like she knew five different ways to spell the word trouble.

“Miss, can I help you?” I asked reluctantly, wondering where this dame was going to steer me and if I had the gas to get there.

“Vandals! Vandals, I say! Did you see the vandals that did this to my car?” She pointed to a small scratch, about two inches long, on the driver-side door of her Chrysler LeBaron.

I pointed to a nearby grocery cart and said, “I think that’s your vandal right there.”

“I know the grocery cart hit it! But since there’s no wind to blow the cart, a vandal must have pushed it into my car, and that’s the story I’m sticking with when I make my insurance claim.”

While it was refreshing to find someone who planned their insurance claim with such resolve, her snap judgment—much like the dollar-store captain’s cap I still wore in anticipation of my cancelled sailing lesson—had me scratching my head.

“Miss, shouldn’t your agent help you decide how to file the claim?”

“No,” she said, “because he might classify this as ‘collision’ when I want ‘other than collision,’ but you wouldn’t understand such high-falutin insurance speak, common man.”

“Actually lady, I’m as uncommon as they come. And your claim would be uncommon too, if you stick to your story.”

Why is this lady’s scratch causing Ace to itch? Click here to check your solution against Ace’s.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.