The Case of the Never-Ending Job

“Ho-ho-holy smoke!” The first two “ho’s” were in character, since I was once again drowning in an oversized red velvet suit, taking my yearly turn as Santa at the local mall. The last part of that seasonal exclamation, the “holy smoke,” was my base reaction to a 250-pound man plopping down in my lap.

You see, word got out that not only was I a clever Claus, giving adorable kids the affirmation they needed that their toy of choice— which 99% of the time turned out to be an obscenely expensive video game system that was supposedly way better than the one they got for their birthday six months ago—would be wrapped and wait­ing on the 25th, but that I was also some sort of insurance savant.

As a result, parents would leap onto my lap as soon as their darling child finished their list of a thousand I-wants, begging me to answer insurance questions.

By quitting time, I needed a stiff drink to get the stiff ache out of my thighs. The last person in line was a small, stubbly guy in an oil-stained flannel. His overall-ed daughter took one look at me and said, “That’s not Santa Claus! The real Santa’s fat! This guy looks like cousin Rachel.”

I cast the guy a quizzical look, to which he responded, “Bulimia. Now run along Kathy; Daddy needs to chat with Santa.”

Kathy sprinted to a nearby bench and dove face-first into her cell phone, pulverizing the buttons with her thumbs. With no other self­ish miscreants around, I pulled off my beard and said, “This has been the longest day of my life. I came straight from the office, but it’s like I never got off work.”

“I know the feeling. And that’s why an insurance company is try­ing to shaft me.”

“Spill it.”

“I’m an oil field pump checker. The CGL insurer has declined a claim of mine due to the definition of completed operations. They are saying since a pump checker’s operation is ongoing on a daily basis and never completed, it does not meet the completed operations definition of the CGL form.”

“What does a pump checker do?”

“I go to a well location, gauge the tanks and close or open valves accordingly. I’m contracted to do this on a daily basis at a well site I do not own or occupy. Does this interpretation of the completed operations definition make sense to you?”

“According to them,” I said, “there’d be a whole lot of people earning overtime.”

What reaction was Ace drilling for? Click here for the answer.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.