The Case of the Perilous Pool Party

Slowly I stepped into the water, fighting off the nausea. Miniscule waves beat against me unmercifully. My vision lost its balance, making everything swirl with Hitchcockian gusto. The taunting laughter of children grew louder and louder. Unable to continue, I hopped out of the foot-deep water and sat on the edge of the pool.

My fear of swimming is surpassed only by my fear of melting on a 105-degree day and my fear of never finding a wife to share my love of spinach-based smoothies. That is why I took my two-year-old nephew Benji to splash around in a baby pool.

Baby pools are great places to meet single moms, I once discov­ered. I also once discovered that it’s not socially acceptable for a grown man to lounge in a baby pool without a baby. So when the chance to watch Benji popped up, I took the boy, along with my wayfarers and SpongeBob towel, straight to the rec center.

It’s tricky to chat up the ladies when you’re wearing bright yellow arm floaties, as I quickly realized while sitting next to an attractive brunette in a floral print one-piece. Luckily Benji was playing with her daughter, giving me a chance to dazzle her with small talk.

“So,” I said, looking nervously around the pool, “um, come here often? Obviously you don’t…I mean, just look at your alabaster skin. You’re whiter than my bed sheets which, let’s be honest, aren’t as white as they used to be since I hardly ever wash them.”

“Molly, we’re leaving in two minutes,” the brunette said, scooting two feet away.
My acute inability to make small talk foiled me again! Giving up, I turned to Benji. “Hey kiddo, look at the cute squirrel playing in the tree.”

“Squirrels are not cute,” the brunette hissed between closed lips. “They’re destructive and sneaky, but not as sneaky as my insurance company.”

“I know insurance like tweens know ‘Twilight.’ What gives?”

“A squirrel caused damage when it chewed on wires under the hood of my car, which has Other Than Collision coverage.The adjuster declined coverage, claiming the damage was not directly from one of the 10 perils listed. I always thought OTC is comprehen­sive ‘all risk’ coverage, and damage sustained is covered unless it is specifically excluded. Aren’t the perils listed just for clarification pur­poses, you know, to distinguish between OTC and collision claims?”

“Miss,” I said, “it’s perilous for any adjuster to get squirrelly with the rules.”

Why did Ace think the adjuster was nuts? click here.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.