The Case of the Keyed-Up Kentuckian

The dishes at the potluck dinner I was attending made me long for prison food. Tiny hot dogs in mystery sauce, ambrosia salad and green bean casserole littered the oak dining table. I was about to give up and order takeout when I noticed an intriguing scent rising from a Crockpot.

A beefy fellow in a blue UK sweatshirt stood behind the curious Crockpot.UK? What luck, I thought, assuming the man came from the United Kingdom, whose culinary delights I considered the world’s best.

“My good fellow,” I said in a spot-on English accent, “is this Brown Windsor soup?”

“No,” he answered, his Southern drawl so thick it fried any chickens within earshot. “It’s burgoo.”

“B…burgoo? Is it French?”

“Burgoo, from the fine state of Kentucky. It’s a savory stew made from vegetables, spices and a combination of finer meats.”

I didn’t like the twinkle in his eye when he said “finer meats;” reminded me of my proctologist saying the exam would make me “slightly uncomfortable.”

“What finer meats,” I asked.

“Sometimes chicken, sometimes venison. Sometimes squirrel or opossum.”

“And today’s batch contains what,” I said.

“A burgoo artist never reveals the secret family recipe,” he said, placing his arms across his chest.

Only then did I notice the absence of his left hand. “Can you tell me how you lost your hand, instead?”

“I’m tired of people always asking me questions! I have questions too. Especially about insurance.”

“Ace Insura, at your service,” I said. “If I answer yours, then you can answer mine.”

“Deal! I’m a contractor, and I was working at a university. They gave me a set of master keys, plus several others that went to the girls’ dorms.”

“You had keys to the girls’ dorm rooms? Is this an insurance question or the beginning of a letter to Penthouse?”

“They both start the same way: I never thought this would happen to me, but one afternoon I went to lunch and accidentally left the keys on my ladder. When I returned they were gone. I reported the loss, and the university had all the locks that could be accessed by these keys changed. My CGL insurance carrier denied the claim under the exclusion j. damage to property; ‘property damage to (4) personal property in the care, custody and control of the insured.’ Can they do that,” he asked.

“The way I see it, they failed to address the full definition of property damage.”

Why was Ace hauling out his dictionary?

For help solving this mystery and to check your solution against Ace’s, click here.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contributing editor.