The Case of the Cruise Concerns

Walking down a crowded street on an overcast Saturday afternoon, I spotted my old friend Hal standing in front of a travel agency. Promotional posters filled the window before him, advertising cruises to tropical islands where white sand beaches stretched clear into forever and hula-dancing woman shook their hips near smoldering volcanoes.

“Hey Hal,” I said, “What’s new? Going on a cruise?”

“No,” he answered, his face drooping like a hound dog on valium. “He won’t let me.”

That’s when I noticed the short young man in a grey suit who stood to Hal’s right, peering over his shoulder and staring a bit too intently at the hula dancer on the Hawaii poster.

“And who is this?”

The young man turned with a snap of his feet. “Ted. Ted Turkelson. I’m Hal’s insurance agent.

”The pieces of this conversation did not make sense together, much like Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.

“I don’t understand,” I said, “Why, exactly, is your insurance agent impeding your cruise dreams?”

“You see, Ace,” Hal answered, “I want to go on a Royal Caribbean cruise to Alaska. I mentioned this to Ted, who did a little research and determined that a cruise would be…how did you say it? Detrimental to my insurable well-being.”

“I looked at their Web site,” Ted rebutted, “And you know what I saw? People having a lot of fun doing things that appeared extremely dangerous! I saw people climbing a 30-foot rock wall, surfing on a giant wave simulator and eating all they could at all-you-can-eat buffets! Way too dangerous. I can’t, in good insurance conscience, let him go on this risky vacation.

”I looked around for the Candid Camera, thinking I walked in on some sort of comedy routine. Since the scene was still rolling, I played my part, saying, “Okay, Ted, what could possibly happen to him on the ship?”

“His Rolex might fall overboard while’s he waving goodbye at the pier—that baby is worth five large. He might accidentally injure someone and get sued. Recently, a woman sued a fellow passenger who dropped a fake coconut on her head. The coconut was used as a specialty drink for something called ‘Island Night.’ Or he might cause a fire that damages the ship and hurts someone…he likes to smoke a pipe, you know. How would insurance cover all of those?”

This well-meaning young insurance agent sure had a lot to learn.

“Hal,” I said, “grab a life vest. You’re about to embark on a cruise to the safe seas.” How would Ace allay Ted’s fears?

For help solving this mystery and to check your solution against Ace’s, click here.

Jonathan Hermann (hermannism@gmail.com) is an IA contribution editor.