During a recent coaching session, the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company told me, “I need to be better at handling disagreement and conflict. I tend to either erupt like a volcano or avoid these types of conversations altogether.”

Sound familiar?

I asked the CEO to define “confrontation.” He said, “I know it’s confrontational when it erupts into an argument or I get pushback from the other person around my comments, opinions or ideas. I also get emotionally charged when someone negatively reacts to what I say or approaches me with an aggressive posture—and vice versa. I notice a variation in my tone. I raise my voice, and my body language and posture also changes. You often wind up throwing jabs at each other.”

I then introduced him to an alternative way of thinking: “What if there was no such thing as a difficult conversation?”

“That’s ridiculous,” he responded, sharing a whole list of challenging types of discussions:

• Underperformance or behavioral issues
• Performance reviews or not hitting sales objectives
• Compensation changes
• Internal policy changes
• Disagreement over sales process or strategies
• Strained interpersonal relationships between team members, especially if someone “wronged” the other person

• Sales veterans who are reluctant to try something new
• Promises made by others that direct reports expect you to honor

Managers and salespeople continually experience the fight or flight syndrome when faced with conflict or challenging situations like these. But rather than approach these conversations like a charging rhinoceros or, conversely, by sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich and avoiding them, what if you realized the real conflict is all in your head?

Stop Creating Things That Aren’t There

Think of a turbulent or challenging conversation you’ve had. Now, rewind the tape of that conversation in your mind. What made that conversation so difficult? The root cause is usually:

• Your approach.
• The current assumptions you perceive to be true.
• Your mindset going into the conversation.
• Your expectation of the outcome.
• Your personal connection to the situation, including your past experiences with similar situations or people, your relationship with that particular person or the role they’re in.

You may think, “I remember the last time I had to have a tough and candid talk with someone about their performance. Let’s just say it didn’t go very well.” Then, the next time you’re facing a similar scenario, you create a hypothetical outcome in your mind and react based on your past experience and assumption of the truth.

The byproduct of this thinking a self-fulfilling prophecy: You continue to recreate the same experiences you’ve had in the past. Your perception of how people are going to react, and the strength of your position on your beliefs, actually influences how you choose to engage with others. You’re essentially choosing to communicate and react based on things that may not even be true—which only exasperates unproductive interactions and enforces your expectation of ta negative outcome, rather than creating a new possibility.

When you shift the way you communicate, you change the way people listen and engage with you, as well as how they feel. You create the environment where people feel comfortable opening up and communicating honestly in a productive, collaborative way.

Confrontation = Coaching Opportunity

Defuse what could erupt into an explosive situation by acknowledging the other person’s feeling and reaction. Keep in mind, conversations only erupt into arguments when neither side respects or can accept the other person’s opinion, or sees an opportunity to create a better outcome by simply changing the conversation.

Here’s an example: “What I want for you is to be able to leave our conversation feeling that you have been truly listened to, we have addressed what is frustrating you the most, and you have gotten what you need from me. I want to support you the best way I can. However, I’m sensing you’re clearly invested in this and are having a reaction to what happened. I want to do my best to help you defuse and resolve this situation, but we both need to approach this conversation in a way that will enable us to accomplish what you want, without allowing our emotions to get in the way. Is now the most appropriate time to discuss this? Or would you rather take some time to process how you can best approach this situation so that we can talk through this together in a calm and productive way, in order to create the best solution for you?”

An old, yet relevant communication truth: People may not remember what you said, but they certainly remember how you made them feel.

Keith Rosen, CEO of Coachquest, has written several best-sellers, including “Own Your Day” and “Coaching Salespeople into Sales Champions,” winner of five International Best Book awards and the No. 1 best-selling sales management coaching book on Amazon.